If you ask me, jealousy is one annoying little bastard. Most of the time, we’re better off not being jealous. And yet, hidden in the core of it, jealousy hides a beautiful possibility of surrendering into love. Sounds crazy? Then keep reading.
When we are intensely jealous, our reactions normally fall into one of two categories: attachment or withdrawal.
The “attachment response” to jealousy can involve a compulsive desire to see our partner, ask dozens of questions, demand promises, and expect apologies. We may want to meet our partners as soon as possible and never let them go, for fear that they won’t come back. We try to soothe our vulnerable heart through external reassurance and validation.
The “withdrawal response” to jealousy is rather the opposite of the former: we become distant and cold. When we meet our lover, we try talking to them rationally and from a distance. We don’t want to be touched, let alone be affectionate or sexual. Our heart is still vulnerable, but this time we try to protect it by putting an armor of ice around it.
Is either of these two strategies, attachment and withdrawal, effective? Not really. But hey, they feel so natural! Like instinctual responses that we can hardly control, attachment and withdrawal arise in us quickly and powerfully. We could be tempted to conclude that we can’t help reacting to jealousy with either attachment or withdrawal, or a combination of both.
That is not the case though. There is a third option, and in consists in not becoming cold and distant, nor obsessive and suffocating, but showing ourselves in all our beautiful vulnerability (or vulnerable beauty!). Through total transparency and vulnerability, we can use jealousy as a springboard to access a space of complete love and tranquility. This is because, if there is one good thing about jealousy, it is that it makes our hearts vulnerable and brittle. And when our heart is brittle, we are only one step away from accessing a place of complete love, surrender and serenity.
Surrendering into love is actually a practical method of dealing with jealousy that I teach to clients I work with. A pretty advanced method, to be sure, but very effective. If you feel that it resonates with you, you can give it a try the next time you’re intensely jealous.
Here is how it works
We wait for a moment in which we and our partners are close and connected, and then we share with them the full contents of our heart.
We express our jealousy, insecurity, vulnerability—but also our love and appreciation. We reveal how completely open, vulnerable and helpless before love we feel in this moment. We declare that we are ready for anything—ready to be taken wherever love wants to take us.
It’s not easy, but not that difficult either. We just need to enter into this feeling of surrender—to embrace the realization that, in this particular moment, we are like puppets in the throes of something stronger than us.
In moments of intense jealousy, we are on the brink of total helplessness. Helplessness isn’t always bad: if we can surrender fully into it, we may find a space of pure, pristine love. We may discover that the superficial message of jealousy, that our partner has an enormous power over us, isn’t actually true.
It is love itself that has complete power over us!
The discovery of a throbbing, vibrant, pulsating core within ourselves is a deep, personal experience that will stay with us forever—whatever our partner may decide to do.
Summing up: jealousy hurts, and we all should learn how not to succumb to it. But jealousy can also be a doorway that we can enter so deeply into, it becomes almost impersonal. What matters, then, is not what our partner is or isn’t doing, but rather the intense feeling of vulnerability and helplessness that can lead us into the experience of boundless love.
Jealousy, then, can become the beginning of a personal journey into surrender.
Would you describe yourself as a jealous person? We hope Raffaello’s article is able to help you! Check out his online course by clicking the box below and find out more on how to deal with jealousy consciously.