I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “birds of a feather flock together” or maybe the idea that “like attracts like”. We tend to be most drawn to people whose lifestyles are aligned with our own, and while it may be true that “opposites attract” initially, people who share the same values and interests are much more likely to connect in a deeper and more lasting way. So this, of course, begs the question –
Are you the type of person you’re seeking?
So often, people focus their efforts to find a partner on searching for someone who has the list of qualities that they believe make up the perfect partner, and while staying open to that person showing up in your life is definitely an important part of allowing love in, becoming the type of person that you would want to be with is far more likely to bring you the love you desire. Here’s how…
Explore Your Values
The first step to becoming your own ideal partner is to figure out what it is that you even value in a mate. Now this may seem like a simple task, but it’s important to really dig deep here and go beyond the usual “smart, funny, attractive” bullet points.
Take some time out to reflect on the relationships in your life.
What do you love and value most in the positive relationships in your life? What has not worked or been missing in past relationships? What qualities draw you to the people you admire most? Feel free to put a pen to paper and write down the thoughts and feelings that come up for you, and as you do, notice which words or phrases stand out. Do you see any patterns? Are there words that resonate more deeply than others? This process will allow you to get clear on what qualities are truly most important to you in relationships, so that you can not only know what you’re looking for in a partner, but also which qualities you might want to cultivate in yourself.
Take a Look in the Mirror
Next, do a thorough and honest inventory of yourself. Are you embodying the qualities that you seek in others? For example, if you noticed that dependability is really important to you in relationships, you might ask yourself whether or not you show up as someone that the people in your life can truly count on. If you find yourself admiring people who are physically fit, you might want to examine your own habits around being active and making healthy choices.
The point of this exercise isn’t to be hard on yourself; it’s to gain insight into the areas of your life that already reflect your values as well as the areas in which you can invest some work in order make sure that you’re showing up in the world with authenticity and integrity—two qualities that are universally attractive.
Get Clear and Specific
If you find that there are a number of traits that you’re seeking in others, but don’t personally embody, get curious about that. Are there internal blocks that are holding you back from living the life you dream of?
Or, is it possible that you’re aiming for the wrong target when it comes to values?
So often, the things we think we want in life are actually just symbols for a much deeper desire. A common example of this is when people believe that what they want is to be financially wealthy, but in actuality, crave more freedom to do the things they’re passionate about. While having more money can certainly be a route to having the ability to do more of the things that you enjoy, it isn’t the money itself that creates the desired feeling; the experience of engaging in activities that are personally enriching is the target, and that doesn’t always require extreme levels of financial wealth. In fact, the road to wealth often involves a great deal of sacrifice, and in some cases, could even make a person feel less free. It’s important to get clear and specific about what it is that you value and why.
If you notice that your actions aren’t aligning with your values and that taking steps to align the two isn’t appealing, it may be a clue that you need to look more closely at what it is that you truly desire and recalibrate your values and actions accordingly.
Do the Work
Once you have a clear picture of your core values, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and do the work. How can you embody these qualities? What steps can you take in your life to put your values front and center? Whether this means changing small habits here and there or undertaking a total overhaul of your lifestyle, start making the shifts that are necessary to be the kind of person that you would feel lucky to be with. Also, don’t forget to be gentle with yourself along the way. Creating personal transformation is a process with many layers and it’s very likely that the more you delve into your own growth, the more opportunities you’ll find to work on other areas of your life.
The goal is progress, not perfection and a combination of patient dedication to your vision and compassion for yourself is the key to staying inspired to do the work.
Fall in Love with Yourself
When we work towards being the type of people that we want to be, we naturally create waves of positive shift both internally and externally. Our lives become more full of joy, passion, and purpose and we begin to shine with a self-love that is so radiant that it simply magnetizes other people who are vibrating on the same frequency as we are. But at that point, finding someone whose values align with our own and who will love us for who we truly are will just be icing on the cake.