I recently witnessed a very interesting discussion about sex and orgasms. More specifically, we were talking about how women feel when men ejaculate within the average 5.4 minutes from the moment of penetration. This average comes from a 2005 study conducted among 500 multinational couples.
As men in the room listened in shock and disbelief, women used such words as: “disappointed”, “used”, “disconnected”, “masturbation inside the vagina”, „is that it?“, and referred to the lover as “selfish”, “goal-oriented” and “lazy”.
I pondered the sad picture that this discussion painted. In our modern society, there is a lot of frustration in the bedrooms of couples of all ages, nationalities, beliefs and sexual orientations. We all crave better, longer-lasting, more connected and satisfying sex but we usually struggle to create it.
There is a variety of reasons for the low level of sexual satisfaction among modern couples and the biggest ones are the taboo that surrounds the subject of sex and the popularity of porn. The latter usually depicts sex as a fast and furious encounter of two sets of genitals, devoid of true intimacy, mutual nurturing or deep connection.
Our society does not provide quality sexual education, so we have nobody to turn to in order to ask questions, seek feedback or learn about what great sex actually looks like.
So we turn to the media and follow what looks exciting on the computer screen.
Year after year men condition their bodies and wire their nervous systems for porn-style sex. Men chase a quick release instead of cherishing deep states of erotic pleasure. They close their eyes and disconnect from their lover instead of intimately meeting her. They have a purely physical experience instead of creating a union of hearts, minds, souls and energies. We all habitually and mindlessly bump our genitals together instead of creating a magical, trance-like state of sensual bliss.
I would like you to pay close attention to your body next time you have sex or self-pleasure. You’ll likely notice a lot of muscular tension in your legs and pelvis, particularly as you approach climax. You might also observe that your breath is becoming shorter, more constricted, that you might be even holding your breath right before the big-O.
These two things – muscular tension and constriction of breath – lock arousal in your genitals. That means that fairly quickly there is a lot of erotic charge in your genital area, causing the urgency to ejaculate, a desire to release this charge.
But since you don’t want your partner to feel used or disappointed by your sexual experience together, it’s likely you’re asking yourself what you can do to slow down this process and to control your excitement much better while giving both of you a more intense erotic experience.
I would like to introduce you to three basic tantric principles of better sex and deeper orgasms. These principles are very simple yet will have a profound impact when applied correctly.
Your sexual energy, aka erotic pleasure or arousal, naturally wants to rise up through your body and reach your heart, your mind and even go beyond your physical body. This creates an expanded, full-body experience of sexual pleasure instead of a very localized, genital release.
Yet the arousal cannot flow upwards when you’re locking it all in your pelvis.
Muscular tension creates a blockage and stops this natural energetic flow. So I’d like to invite you to play with a much more relaxed state of arousal. As your excitement is building up, let go of the tension in your legs and relax your genital area.
Don’t try to squeeze your orgasm out as quickly as possible. Instead let go of the clenching and enjoy the pleasure and blissful tingling in your body.
Imagine your entire system as an open channel, allowing your pleasure to spill out of your genitals and to move freely through your entire system.
While letting go of tension allows that free flow of sexual energy through your body, it’s your breath that actually carries your excitement out to all of your cells and body parts. This is why the combination of breath and relaxation is so powerful.
Instead of constricting or holding your breath, open up your chest and belly to a full, abdominal breathing. If you’re not certain what that looks like, place one hand on your belly and use your breath to raise the hand up on the inhale and allow it to fall back down on the exhale.
Breathe in a deep, relaxed manner. The length of the inhale should be approximately the same as the length of the exhale, creating a calm, rhythmic breath. And there should be no pauses between inhales and exhales so that you are not holding your breath at any point.
You can play with the pace of the breath, making it slower to soothe your body and decrease your excitement; or speeding it up to charge your body and create a state of higher arousal.
Presence refers to mindfulness, to a state of being right here and right now. As you keep letting go of any distractions of your mind, you’ll be more capable of remaining deeply connected to your body and your experience.
As we become distracted, lost in fantasy or getting ahead of ourselves while chasing an orgasm, we tend to miss out on tons of amazingly beautiful sensations and pleasure in our bodies.
In order to remain present, keep your entire attention inside of your body. Keep noticing every shiver of pleasure, every tingle of delight, all the vibrancy and yumminess in your body.
And remember – men usually ejaculate prematurely because they are not aware of just how aroused they are. So don’t let that rapid release surprise you.
Take control over your arousal.
Use presence to monitor it closely and down-regulate your excitement with relaxation and breath whenever it gets too high.
When applied correctly, these three tantric principles will truly change your lovemaking. They will expand your experience of eroticism, they will increase your body’s capacity to feel pleasure as you’ll be able to guide your orgasmic energy throughout your entire system.
And they will also place the control back in your hands by giving you simple tools to last as long as you want and as long as your partner wants.
Once you can do that, she will never call you a lazy or selfish lover. Instead she will feel nurtured, taken care of and deeply satisfied. She might even brag to her girlfriends about your skills as a lover!